The Great Cell Phone Massacre of '06.

Apologies, Dear Readers, for my relatively sparse correspondence this week. I have been distracted as of late, with annoying "real world" problems, such as preparing for my replacment at work, trying to sell my apartment furniture before the big move, and organizing a kick-ass going-away party.

And then there is my cell phone.

In recent weeks, many of my possessions have been spontaneously falling apart on me. Until today, I was handling it all with (what I thought was) remarkable patience and poise. There was my car, but its damages can be easily attributed to the 2-accidents-in-1-weekend phenomenon from a month ago, rather than to some malicious cosmic entity. Then my VCR broke a few weeks ago, followed by my DVD player 1 week later, and I resorted to watching movies on my laptop computer. Around that time my wristwatch also broke, so I started keeping track of the time on my cellular phone instead. Then one day, the phone suddenly stopped getting a signal in my apartment, so I began stepping outside in order to have a phone conversation; a week after that, my phone refused to receive a signal even there, so I had to walk to the edge of the street outside my building in order to continue enjoying cellular service; then, 2 weeks ago, my cell phone's display screen stopped working, which made calling people in my address book difficult and reading text messages impossible. And here is where the fun begins...

Finally deciding that something must be done, I visit a Cingular store (for my service is "supplied" by Cingular Wireless) this past weekend, in order to get my phone either repaired or replaced. It is there that I discover my 1-year warranty on the phone expired literally The Day before its screen died, and I am thus expected to pay over $100 to get it replaced. I point out the fantastic coincidence that my phone stopped working 24 hours after its insurance coverage ended, and the Cingular employee there takes pity on me, types something into his computer, and informs me he has extended my warranty for an additional week so I can send my phone in for a free replacement. All I need do is call the number he hands me, and a new phone will be mailed to me within days. As a matter of fact, this is not the case, because upon trying the number I learn that Cingular's repair hotline is closed on the weekend; however, I am content to wait until Monday to try again, pleased with the knowledge that - for once - my cell phone company is not going to try to screw me.

Come Monday, I call the service hotline and, after being on hold for over half an hour, am informed that, regardless of what the Cingular store employee promised me, my warranty was not extended, and I will have to pay the $100-something fee for a new phone. Re-explaining my situation, I am able to convince the sympathetic customer service representative to make an exception in my case and extend my warranty, and he transfers me over to the exchanges department. After being kept on hold for another 20 minutes, I speak to yet another operator, make all the arrangements, and then am I told once again that there is no mention in my file of any warranty extension, and I must pay a hefty fee (ballpark figure of $100) for any repairs or exchanges. At this point, my patience runs out, and I demand to speak to a supervisor. On hold for 5 minutes, then the operator gets back on the line and announces they will extend my warranty after all. Flushed with triumph and pride for taking charge of the situation so awesomely, I agree to pay extra for express shipping, thrilled that in 2 days I will receive a brand-new, fully-functioning replacement phone.

Cut to 4 days later: Friday, today. Have not received my phone, have not received any updates. Start to worry that maybe I was not so triumphant or awesome after all. Call Cingular Wireless, give them my confirmation number... and I am told that the order was CANCELLED the day after I made it, because phones that have been owned for less than a month cannot be exchanged. Blood begins pounding in my head as I explain... as... calmly... as... possible... that I have owned my current phone for over a year. The operator checks his records and then sees "someone" made a mistake and cancelled the order because they thought I purchased my phone in April 2006, not 2005. They apologize for the confusion, and assure me that the phone will be sent as speedily as possible -- but I am aware that I will be charged $115 because the warranty expired, right?

Memo to corporate executives of Cingular Wireless: may you and all your kind burn in a hell run by your very own "customer service" operators. I cannot possibly express how much pain and sorrow I wish upon your heads right now -- simply know that I am usually not a violent person, but right now I would gleefully sodomize each and every one of you with samples from your line of cellular products, your screams for mercy sweet ringtones to my ears. Until I leave the country, sleep with both eyes open, you miserable bastards.