There is No Way This Town is Giving Me an Eating Disorder.

Lately a few of my friends back east have expressed concern over some recent photos of me they have seen. You know, the usual jealous, anti-Hollywood reactionary garbage: "You’ve dropped a lot of weight fast,” “You don’t look so well,” “Are you sleeping at all,” etc.

And, of course, the best one: "Do you have an eating disorder?"

Everyone, please, calm down. I do not have an eating disorder. So what if when I first moved here I hated diet coke, and now I drink it regularly? I’m just broadening my horizons, and I have discovered that diet coke is an acquired taste; the 0 grams of sugar is just an extra benefit. Plus, the caffeine kick you get from drinking about 6 cans of the stuff is better than crystal meth -- which, while we’re on the subject, is a great way to kill your appetite if you feel like you need to lose a lot of weight in short order... although I have found that cigarettes are a much cheaper appetite suppressant, plus you look really cool when you stand around smoking them -- at least, all the stars in movies look cool when they're smoking, which is great because I'm in Hollywood so when I smoke I probably look like a star. Unfortunately, I'm too damn FAT right now to be a star, which is why I have to smoke even more cigarettes, or meth if it's payday and I can afford it, but if I can't I have to go back to guzzling big gulps of diet coke. Which tastes great, incidentally, even though it is an acquired taste.

Disclaimer: I am in no way making light of anyone suffering from a true eating disorder; it is no laughing matter. In addition, I am not knocking anyone who likes diet coke, or who smokes. Also, crystal meth really does help you lose weight.