Cell Wars: Cingular Strikes Back

Hello, one and all! (Mostly one, I imagine, because that's probably how many readers I have after nearly 2 weeks of bloggerly silence.) I am back from my adventures in New York City, and am scrambling to tie up all loose ends before leaving the United States for West Africa in roughly a week and a half. Just a heads-up: I have made an administrative decision to start a new blog during my volunteer work overseas (the Peace Corps has several stipulations about blogs run by their volunteers, and I am afraid that this one is a little too irreverant to make the cut), which shall be titled "A Dabbler's Diary: The Burkina Files," a sequel of sorts to this little rag. From what I have observed in blogs run by current volunteers in Burkina Faso, they are able to update them roughly every few weeks to a month... since I hardly expect everyone to be obsessively checking my blog day after day, waiting with baited breath for a new entry, you may, if you like, send me your email address, and you will receive notice of when the blog is updated. Tune in again soon... I'll have a link to this new blog up and running shortly!

And now, enough shameless advertising of my soon-to-be new blog. I'm back, and I've got a story to tell, involving a boy, his cell phone, and a bunch of $&@%!'s who run a cellular company.

I really do have to hand it to the folks at Cingular Wireless: they know when they've got you by the balls, and they're not afraid to squeeze. You may remember my earlier issues with them, the last time my cell phone went on strike. In the spine-tingling conclusion of that harrowing tale, sheer determination triumphed over the unholy alliance of corporate greed and bureaucratic red tape, and the little guy - me - won; I got a new phone, and I did not have to pay a dime. But now, Dear Readers, Cingular has opted to continue the saga... with a vengeance. Just yesterday, my new phone - barely a month into its young life - learned a new trick: simply put, when using it, I can no longer hear what the person on the other line is saying, unless I put them on speakerphone. This makes holding an ordinary phone conversation incredibly awkward, as everyone within 20 feet of me can hear everything I'm shouting into the phone, as well as the recipient's response. On the upside, there is now no further reason for the government to tap my phone - all they need do is stand near me. I took the phone into a Cingular store to see if they could fix it (not exactly holding my breath), and while there learned that: a) the ear-piece speaker had blown and was impossible to restore; and b) my 1-month grace period to return the device had coincidentally just ended days ago, and if I wanted a replacement phone I would have to pay full price. Dear evil geniuses at Cingular Wireless: disregarding my previous threats of sodomy to your persons with your own electronic gadgets, can we not agree that you already charge me more than enough each month (what with phone bills, "government fees," and whatnot), that it may be a little excessive to specifically design your hardware to expire a day after their warranties expire? I deal with all the other technological glitches of this phone quite passively... from the interrupted service, to the sudden loss of signal, to the mysterious connection with another person's phone conversation when I'm in midsentence. Is it the money? Or is it the perverse pleasure you gain from knowing you screwed over yet another long-suffering customer?

Fear not, Dear Readers, there is a light at the tunnel. I took this latest development as a sign that I should finally look into terminating my cell phone service, as I will be leaving the country in - let's face it - a matter of days, now. Now, pay attention - this is why it is a good reason to join the Peace Corps (or at least tell people you're joining the Peace Corps): when I called to cancel my account, I still had over a year left on my "agreement" with Cingular... however, the lady I talked to on the phone was so impressed with how "noble" and "brave" I was by volunteering with the Peace Corps, that she offered to cut my termination fee in half. I didn't even ask, she just threw it out there. Now, how often does THAT happen in the cellular business world?! (Ok, you don't have to tell me... trust me, I know.) Yeah, yeah, she didn't waive the entire fee, but it's not like I discovered a cure for cancer or the secret to flight. I mean, an evil empire has got to pay the bills like everyone else, right? All the same, this very nice lady made me reconsider my death wish on the entire workforce of that corporation... so I proclaim here and now, she alone may live when the revolution comes.